Stranger Than You Dreamed Of
by Arwythe
Summary: The Opera House is ablaze, Raoul is rushing to the rescue, sort of. In his lair, Erik begins to realize that there are far worse things than a lifetime of agonizing solitude and crushing loneliness.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own the Phantom of the Opera, or any of it's characters, in any size shape or form. I am, however, quite fond of all of the POTO characters, and the following is merely an affectionate little bashing. I'd appreciate comments, as this is my first attempt.

_"Past The Point of No Return" has been performed, Erik and Christine have dropped through a hole in the stage floor, the chandelier has crashed, the opera house is ablaze, and people are fleeing from the fire. Raoul has just asked Madame Giry where the Phantom has taken Christine, and she has agreed to show him._

Chapter One

Madame Giry: "But remember, keep you hand at the level of your eye!"

Raoul(_Thumbing his nose at Madame Giry_): "Like this, Madame Giry?"

Madame Giry: "No, No, you idiot...that's keep your thumb at the level of your nose! I said hand...at the level of your eye!" _(shakes her head in disgust_) "Zut Alores!"

_Raoul bounces ahead of her, thumbing his nose at everyone he passes._

Raoul: See! See! Madame Giry taught me how to do this! Try it! it's fun!

Madame Giry (_to same passers-er-runners-by_): Pay no attention him! He is an idiot!(_Everyone nods in emphatic agreement as they flee the burning opera house)_

_Madame Giry and Raoul race into the Diva's dressing room, open the mirror, and begin their long descent into the bowels of the opera house. Down, down down they go._

Raoul: Let's see, keep my foot at the level of my mouth...nope, can't walk that way. Uh, keep my butt at the level of my face...ewww! Keep my esophagus at...

_Somewhere overhead, a ghostly chorus sings "Keep your hand at the level of your eye," but Raoul can't hear them, as he's presently keeping his fingers at the level of his ears._

Madame Giry _(interrupting_): This is as far as I dare go. Good luck Monsieur. _(shouting_)**You are nearing the Phantom's Lair now! I hope dear Erik...er...the Evil Phanthom does not take measures to stop you!**

_Faintly, Erik's voice echoes up to them: **Ok, Madame Giry, and thanks!**_

Raoul, _keeping his elbow at the level of his left nipple, races down the flight of stone steps, and disappears from view.._

Raoul: Thank you, Madame Gir-r-r-y! (_sound of a thud_) A-h-h-h-h-! -(_splash_)!

Madame Giry(_whispering_ ): Look out Monsieur, there is a trapdoor! (_shakes her head_) Stupid, stupid boy! _(shouting_) **Oh, no! Raoul has fallen through the trap door and surely has drowned! Oh, my dear friend...er...The Madman has Christine at his mercy, now**!

_She turns to leave, but before she gets too far, a dripping Raoul comes running up the steps with his hair at the level of his liver._

Madam Giry:** Never mi-n-nd! Raoul has returned! Merde...uh hoopla!**

Raoul: Oh! Madame Giry! It was most kind of you to offer me a swim in your pool, but I just don't have time. Do you have a towel?

Madame Giry: No! I do not! Sacre Bleu, but you are annoying! Hurry, run and save your girlfriend!

Raoul: Oh, uh, OK! And I know, I know...keep my watch at the level of my hat, right?

Madame Giry: You are not wearing a hat, you idiot...uh, never mind, Vicomte, that's exactly right. Now for the love of God, go!

Raoul: Thank you Madame Gi-r-r-r-y! A-h-h-h! (_splash_)!

Madame Giry: Stupid, stupid boy!


	2. Chapter 2

I still don't own any form of Phantom of the Opera, or its characters...just like last time.

CHAPTER TWO

_Meanwhile, as Madame Giry is heroically "aiding" Raoul in his search for the Phantom's lair, Christine is emerging from the Phantom's dressing room, clad in a wedding dress._

Christine: Omigod, I can't believe you actually made me slide down that rope with you! Do you know that everyone probably totally saw my underpants? What a jerk!

Erik: Mademoiselle! I have murdered men and burned my opera house for you, and you're concerned about your panties?

Christine: Uh, does this dress make my butt look big?

_Luckily, before Erik can answer, Madame Giry's voice comes echoing through the labyrinth. _

Madame Giry's Echoing Voice: "... has fallen in for the eighth time-ime-ime! Please close the trapdoor before I lose my mind-ind-ind!

_Erik sighs, walks over to a wall bristling with levers, and pulls one._

Madame Giry's Echoing Voice: Thank you Erik-ik-ik! Er, I mean mysterious Phantom-om-om!

Erik: It seems as if your lover is approaching my lair, Mademoiselle!

Christine: Who?

Erik: Your lover? Raoul? (observes Christine's blank stare). The Vicomte DeChagny! Think, Christine! Long blonde hair? Pretty boy? Good dancer?

Christine: Oh! You mean my lover, Raoul the Vicomte DeChagny! Why didn't you just say so? What about him?

_A light sheen of perspiration appears on Erik's forehead._

Erik: He's coming. He's on his way here, and I mean to kill him, and marry you!

Christine: That's nice, Erik, whatever...is there something to eat around here?

_Erik begins to hyperventilate._

Erik: No! Not right now! Put this veil on your head, and let's get started before your idiot boyfriend gets here.

Christine: Oh, no, Monsieur! How could you do this to me! Have pity!

Erik: Christine, you'll learn to love me! You'll look beyond this hideous face and...

Christine: Please! White makes me look dumpy, and chiffon gives me pimples! O-h-h! I shall have a pimple on my nose when Raoul gets here! He won't love me anymore! (_begins to weep_)

_Erik whimpers softly and starts grinding his teeth._

Erik: Mademoiselle, clearly you do not understand the situation you are in¼.

_Suddenly Raoul's voice is heard just outside the Phantom's lair._

Raoul: Excuse me! Excu-u-u-se me!

Erik: What is it, you fool?

Raoul: Is this the Phantom's lair?

Erik: As I am the Phantom, and this island appears to be a lair, you idiot, what do you think?

Raoul: I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know? I thought there'd be like, a big sign, or something. How do expect you people to find you, anyway?

Erik: I don't, you chuckle-head.

Christine: Raoul be careful! He told me he's going to kill me and marry you!

Raoul: He is? Monsieur! That's disgusting!

Erik: No! No! That's wrong! I wasn't going to do that!

Christine: Then why'd you say it?

_Erik's good eye begins to twitch._

Erik: I didn't say that! I said I was going to kill him and...oh, never mind! To what purpose do I explain this to the two of you? It's like talking to a couple of chunks of Brie!

Christine: Brie? You do have some food around here! I'm hungry!

Raoul: Me too! May I have some?

Erik: No! Listen to me! Pay attention! Raoul, I have your girlfriend here. I intend to force her to marry me, and live a life of horror in this dank dungeon! Christine, I intend to torture your boyfriend, and then strangle him to death! Does this not frighten either one of you? Does it not make you look at me and tremble? Do you wish to beg for mercy?

Raoul: Can I use your bathroom? I have to poop.

Christine: Please Raoul, it's hopeless. He's out of toilet paper. I checked.

_Erik's eyes start darting around, as if he is looking for an escape._

Erik: Um, look...Raoul, I need you to do me a favor.

Raoul: Well, sure!

Erik: I'm opening the gate and letting you in, because I need you to hold this rope for me.

Raoul: Wow, that's a mighty big rope!

Erik: Yes. It is. Oh, dear, look at this! It's all tangled! Here, put this end of it around your neck, while I straighten it out...Raoul: All righty-o!

(_Raoul obligingly places the noose around his neck, and Erik suddenly pins him against the gate and trusses him up like a Thanksgiving turkey)_

Erik: Ah ha! I've got you now, foolish boy!

Raoul: Darn, I forgot to keep my knees at the level of my scapula!

Erik: Now, Christine, agree to end your days with me, or Raoul dies!

Christine: I can't, Erik! I just can't!

Erik: Allons! Why not, Christine?

Christine: I don't have my favorite foofy blue lace garter!

Raoul: That's OK, Christine, I'm wearing it! You can have it back now!

_Erik and Christine both turn to stare at Raoul._

Raoul: What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Erik(_choosing not to think about why Raoul is wearing a foofy blue lace garter_): Christine, forget the blasted garter! Make your choice!

Christine: But I always wear that garter whenever I get married!

Erik: ...whenever you get...Christine! What are you saying?

Christine: Jeez, Erik, are you stupid, or something? I said no garter, no wedding. That's always been the rule, all five times!

Erik: Five times? **Five times**?

Christine: Well, maybe six. Or, wait! Was it seven? Let me think...There was Pierre, then Rene, then Jean Paul. Rollo doesn't count, because I ran off with Father Etienne in the middle of the ceremony. Ah, let's see, who else? Mortimer, Chuckles the Tap Dancing Clown, and that pirate, uh, what was his name?

Erik: Christine! You are only seventeen years old! How could you possibly have had all of those husbands?

Christine: Well, uh, they kept dying...

Erik: Kept dying? How?

Christine: Well, they kind of went "Ungh!" and fell down.

Erik: No, no! That's not what I meant! What killed them?

Christine: Erik, dying killed them. Don't you know anything? Sheesh!

_Erik begins giggling nervously under his breath._

Erik: Christine, my dearest angel, you didn't by assist them with their uh, passing, did you?

Christine: No! Uh, well, yes...but no! Well...sort of, just a little...

Erik: Christine, how in the world can you kill someone just a little?

Christine: Oh, I knew it! Now you're going to be cranky all day!

Raoul: Excu-u-u-se me! I still have to poop!


	3. Chapter 3

_Hmm, Let me check...Nope, I still don't own Phantom of the Opera, or any of it's characters._

Chapter Three

_Eric has given Christine his ultimatum: Marry him, or Raoul dies. Christine has revealed the rather shocking truth about her five, wait, six...(or was it seven?) deceased husbands. Raoul clearly doesn't know what the Hell is going on, and is enjoying himself immensely._

Raoul: If you untie my arm I'll show you a neat trick that Madame Giry taught me!

Erik: Silence, foolish boy! Don't you understand that you're a hair's breadth away from oblivion?

Raoul: Hoopla! Oblivion! Where's that?

Erik: Idiot! Have you no idea why you are tied to that gate with a noose around your neck?

Raoul: So I can do this? (_Sags his weight against his restraints, and begins splashing water with his feet_) Wheee! Look out!

Erik: Stop that! Stop that right now! You're ruining my nice Don Juan shirt!

Raoul: Sorry! Can I still go to Oblivion?

Erik(_mumbling_): It is becoming more and more certain by the moment, Monsieur.

Christine: Hey! Look what I found! What is it, anyway? _(wades into the water, carrying a huge stack of papers_)

Erik: Mon Dieu! Mademoiselle! Go back! Be careful with those...(_stares in horror as Christine trips and drops the stack of papers into the water_). No! No, no, no! (_plunges through the water trying to save the papers_)

Christine: Erik, they're just some dumb old papers, with lines and dots all over them.

Erik: Dumb old papers! Those dumb old papers represent my entire life's work! My music! My music! (_picks up paper after paper, dropping each one again, as he sees that the ink has run off the water-soaked sheets)_

Christine: Oh, is that all! I thought it was important, like love letters to me, or something. Big deal, so write something else!

Erik: Write something else? Write something else? Nothing can replace this music! It took me years to write!

Christine: (_Yawns_) Hey, what time is it getting to be? I'm bored.

Raoul: Yeah, me too. Maybe we could go to Oblivion together?

Christine: OK, but I have to fix my make-up first. Erik, are we done with whatever we came here for?

(_Erik begins cackling loudly, and pulling his hair_)

Erik: Yes, it's finished! Take her! She's yours! Just get the Hell out of here now, you idiots! If I spend even another moment with you, I'll go madder than I was before. Aug-g-gh!

(_Christine begins to loosen Raoul's ropes, and soon he is free. He immediately dashes into the dressing room and emerges with the dummy)_

Raoul: Thank you, thank you Monsieur Phantom! (_tosses the dummy into the boat_) Come my love, off we go to Oblivion.

Erik: Wait...that's not Christine, that's a...

Raoul: None of your silly tricks, Monsieur! Say good-bye to the nice man, Christine. (_waits a few beats_). Ah, Monsieur, she is being a little rude one, and will not speak to you! But, thank you from the both of us for your kind hospitality. (_Thumbs his nose at Erik_.) That, Monsieur, is from Madame Giry!

Erik(_muttering_): Wait til I get my hands on that woman!

(_The boat with Raoul and the dummy in it disappears from view)._

Erik: Stupid, stupid boy! Eh, he'll find out it's a wax dummy sooner or later...or maybe not.

Christine: Erik! Erik! There you are!

Erik: Uh, Christine, you're still here...

Christine: Yes, and I've decided to marry you, instead of Rodney.

Erik: Rodney? Surely you mean Raoul?

Christine: Yes! Raoul. Rodney was the name of my last husband!

Erik: I'm so happy you finally remembered. Look, Christine, if it's all the same to you, I think you should go find Raoul and kill...er..marry him, not me.

Christine: Oh, no, I couldn't...when I untied him, I noticed that he was all wet, and smelled like sewer water and poop. I couldn't marry a wet stinky man!

Erik: Mademoiselle, people have been known to bathe, and change their clothing!

Christine: Not Raoul. He never can remember how.

Erik: Nonetheless, Christine, the two of you well suited for each other...you're both idiots, and you both drive me crazy!

Christine: Me? An idiot? You stand there with that stupid mask on your face and call me an idiot?

Erik: Mademoiselle, this is not a mask, it is my face, if you'll remember. You removed my mask earlier tonight.

Christine: Don't be stupid, Erik. Of course it's a mask. No one could look that disgusting and repulsive. Here let me show you.(_reaches up and grabs the right side of his face)_

_A scream of pain echoes throughout the tunnels and caverns under the opera house. Suddenly, the gate to the Phantom's Lair opens, a young woman in a wedding dress comes soaring through the air, and lands on her prat in the water. The gate slides shut again._

Erik: It's over now, the music of the night! So, get the devil out of here, and never come back!

Christine: All, right! All right! But don't think I'm going to marry you now!

_Sometime later, the mob from the opera house finally finds the Phantom's Lair. The gate is open and the Phantom is waiting for them, giggling and twitching._

Erik: Thank God you're here! Save me, lead me from those idiots! They're too stupid to find their way out of here! They'll be back, I know it! Hurry, arrest me, shoot me, tear me to flinders...do whatever it is you came to do, but don't let them get me! Please!

Head Mob Person: Um, you're really Gerard Butler, aren't you?

Erik: Uh, er, well yes, I am.

Head Mob Person: All we really came down here for was your autograph...would you mind?

Erik: Well, I suppose so, although I must say this is highly irreg...

(_Raoul's and Christine's voices are heard in the distance, and drawing nearer)_

Raoul: And how is it my fault we got lost? He never told me where Oblivion was!

Christine: Well, you could have asked for directions.

Raoul: I did. I asked _her_!

Christine: That's a dummy, you twit!

Raoul: How dare you call my Christine a dummy!

Christine: I'm Christine, that's a...oh, never mind. Are we almost back at the lair?

Raoul: Yep! I'll bet he's been worried about us, too!

Erik: A-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h! (_smashes a large mirror, runs into the tunnel that was hidden behind it, and is never seen again)._

_Years later, an old and feeble Raoul is driven to the Cemetery, and is wheeled to Christine's burial site. He slowly and painfully rises from his wheelchair, and approaches his wife's grave. "She almost killed me," he thought. "At least twelve times...whatta girl!" The old man reverently places the objects he's brought with him at the foot of Christine's monument...a wax dummy, a foofy blue lace garter, and a chunk of brie, six Little Lotte Comic Books, a stuffed owl, three bottles of window cleaner, a ball of string, a box of Dr. Atier's Semi-Translucent Bon-Bons, a diesel engine and a lemon. He wipes his eyes, stands there a moment, and then wanders off, completely forgetting where he is. Hidden nearby, the Phantom watches, and laughs and laughs and laughs._


End file.
